


The Topography of Heaven

by Mira



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, Tea Ceremony, karst - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-28
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-26 15:13:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mira/pseuds/Mira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We're happy to let a key member of our personnel be loaned out for cleaning services?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Topography of Heaven

John had just settled into a chair in Elizabeth's office, nodding good morning to her, when Rodney bustled in carrying a tablet and followed by Dr. Zelenka. "Hello, good morning," Rodney said, pushing at John so he'd make room for him at the table. Zelenka raised his eyebrows at John but said nothing as he sat, hands loosely clasped in front of him.

"Good morning," Elizabeth began.

"Yes, yes," Rodney said. "Dr. Zelenka is here to begin taking over my responsibilities as Chief Science Officer. He's competent, and more pleasant than I am in the morning, so I think you'll enjoy the change."

"Wait, what?" John asked, looking at Elizabeth.

She said, "While you were off-world, Rodney, Radek, and I have discussed this at length, and I agree; for the time being, Rodney has too much on his plate. He's spending most of his time on Hejirah. His work is suffering, and his department needs greater supervision and support. Radek is more than capable of filling in."

"Radek, is this really necessary?" John felt slighted that he hadn't been included in their discussion, and embarrassed at feeling slighted.

"I think so," Radek said. "The department is full of very bright, very hard-working people, but they are accustomed to more, ah, structured support than they are currently receiving."

"Support," Rodney muttered, and John knew that meant _yelling_. "Radek will report to Elizabeth in my absence, but I haven't completely disappeared from Atlantis. I know he'll continue to keep me fully informed. Of everything," he added, looking threateningly at Radek, who shrugged and smiled at Elizabeth.

"But why?" John asked. "This world, Hejirah --"

"This world is very important to us," Rodney said sharply. "This is an opportunity to, well, to earn a three-quarters charged ZPM. I don't see that we have a choice." John raised an eyebrow but said nothing; he knew that Rodney would chase a white rabbit were there any chance it would lead him to a ZPM. "I don't know why the Hejirans chose me," Rodney continued before anyone could interrupt, "and I've tried to talk them into choosing someone more suitable, a social scientist or even Kate, but they're not interested. They're just not interested," he said, shaking his head..

Elizabeth said, "While I'm sure Kate would be fascinated, I do think this is a unique opportunity for you, Rodney."

"Yes, yes, Kate and I have discussed this in my _mandatory therapy sessions_." Rodney glared at her.

"Rodney, you've been chosen, for reasons we don't understand, to undertake an arcane and difficult task, in an area far outside your sphere of expertise. I would think you'd appreciate any help we can offer," Elizabeth said.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I do appreciate your help. It's just so, so _frustrating_ not to understand what the hell's going on. O'Neill should have let Dr. Jackson come; this is his area."

"Well, the general had his reasons, and besides, the Hejirans chose you," Elizabeth said quellingly, and turned to John. "John, with Rodney gone so much, I think you should take another fourth for your off-world team. While you were working on the mainland, I asked Rodney to suggest a temporary replacement."

"Yes, yes, and I have a very short list," Rodney said quickly, as if trying to head off John's protest, and John did feel blindsided by so many changes so quickly. "John Sheperla, and no, I did not select him based on his name. He's both a botanist and a geologist, and he's had more years experience off-world than I have; he's been working at the SGC since the mid-nineties, on several SG teams. He was, in fact, trained by Daniel Jackson.

"There are others," Rodney added, looking directly at John, "but I think he's most qualified." He nodded his head. "You'll like him, Colonel. He's from the States, he played football in college, and probably his greatest strength in your eyes will be that he doesn't talk much."

"Only you, Rodney, would think Dr. Sheperla was not much of a talker," Radek said.

"Oh. Well. Strike the last qualification, then."

"No, no, he sounds fine; he's a rock star," John reassured him. "But my question is for how long? How long till you've learned this ceremony and we can get back to normal?"

Everyone looked at Rodney, who colored and dropped his eyes, shrugging. "I'm, I'm working on that. It's a long process."

"Days? Weeks? Months?" John asked, trying to keep his growing anxiety out of his voice.

When Rodney didn't respond, Elizabeth finally said, "Rodney believes several weeks, which is why we decided to find interim replacements for him."

John said, "I don't like this. I really don't. Elizabeth, why is our chief science officer and someone who has, as he likes to remind us, the best mind in this galaxy, off learning this _arcane and difficult task_? What's going on?"

"You already know, Colonel," Rodney started but Elizabeth raised an eyebrow and he subsided.

"I know it's inconvenient," Elizabeth said, "and maybe you're right, maybe we shouldn't send Rodney, but they refuse to negotiate until he's been trained in this task. I've met with Vasanta, the woman in Teyla's community who trained with them; she's quite elderly and was relieved to know that someone new was being trained. She agreed with the Hejirans that it's an important ritual, and that all trade with them will proceed more smoothly once the ceremony is performed. And you know it's not just the ZPM, John. They've warded off the Wraith, they've created an oasis in a desert --"

"They would be valuable allies, Colonel," Rodney added.

"I'm sure, but my question is: Why Rodney? No offense, Rodney."

"None taken, I assure you. I've asked that question myriad times, but the Tso just says I'm the one." He looked at Elizabeth. "Kate keeps telling me that this is a wonderful opportunity, and that I should feel honored, but . . ." He uncharacteristically fell silent.

"Rodney, we agreed that you would tell me everything," Elizabeth said.

"Well, it's just I get the feeling it's because they think I need to be trained. That _I_ need this ceremony. Which isn't, in fact, flattering."

Elizabeth patted his hand. "Vasanta, Teyla, and all the Athosians who've traded with the Hejirans assure me they are a decent and fair people; certainly that's been our experience thus far. You'll be back in Atlantis every night; if you're not at the pick up point, we'll go in after you."

"That's another thing; all this flying to and fro -- it's taking too much time, Elizabeth. I need to stay there. In the compound. The more time I spend with the Tso, the sooner I can figure this out and come home."

"Who's this Tso, anyway?" John asked. "I don't remember meeting him. Her?"

"Him. And no, you haven't. He's my, uh, teacher. Mentor. Roshi, maybe. I'm not sure. Anyway, he never leaves the temple compound." He turned to Elizabeth. "Do you know what I'm learning now? _How to sweep_." He looked accusingly at Elizabeth.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Rodney. I'm sorry they selected you? Do you want to give up all hope of trading with them? Of obtaining the ZPM?"

"No, of course not."

John watched Elizabeth and Rodney's exchange with a growing feeling of unreality; they had obviously discussed this many times without him. He'd known, of course, that the Hejirans had wanted to meet with Rodney; they'd been interested in him since Teyla first led the team to the compound nearest the stargate. "Am I the only one a little uncomfortable with this?" he finally interrupted them. "We're happy to let a key member of our personnel be loaned out for cleaning services? What does that have to do with trading partners or ZPMs? And I really don't like the idea of just leaving Rodney there."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "It takes nearly four hours to fly there from the gate; I spend eight to ten hours with the Tso, and then another four home. That's a long day, Colonel. I could spend those hours with the Tso, get this whole thing over and done with, come home, and clean up after Radek."

Radek looked up at that, and Elizabeth started to say, "Rodney, you know perfectly well that --"

John stood up, and they stopped to look at him. "I'm going with Rodney next time he visits the Hejirans," he said. "I want to meet this Tso and find out what's really going on. As base commander and Rodney's team leader, I insist."

"Told you," Rodney said to Elizabeth, who nodded.

"Of course, Colonel. Rodney's returning tomorrow; why don't you fly him to Hejirah?"

"Oh hell, bring the whole team and a picnic," Rodney said, rising. "In the meantime, I need to meet with the science team, spread fear and loathing while I'm still here and able to."

"They expect nothing less," Radek said, smiling at Elizabeth as they left.

"John," Elizabeth said when they'd disappeared, already bickering. "Please don't think we've gone behind your back. You've been working long hours with your new people, mostly away from Atlantis, and we are anxious to make a connection with the Hejirans. You were the one who described their agricultural and horticultural techniques as revolutionary."

"I get it, Elizabeth. My feelings aren't hurt. I'm just concerned about Rodney."

"He's my friend, too," she said. "And though I ask you not to tell him, I miss him when he's gone this much."

He rubbed his chin. "I can't believe we aren't rejoicing at his absence."

"Go," she said. "If you don't have enough work to do . . ."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, tossing her a sloppy salute before leaving her office.

* * *

Rodney packed quickly; he'd already begun leaving a few things in his quarters on Hejirah, anticipating that he would receive permission to just move in and stop wasting so much time coming and going. "Coffee, coffee," he chanted, adding an extra package of pre-ground to the little coffee-making kit he carried on off-world missions. Extra batteries for his laptop, a fistful of his favorite mechanical pencils, the yellow pads he preferred, the bag of English peppermints that Radek had given him for his birthday, the fourth Harry Potter book, and a few CDs he hadn't had time to burn to his harddrive yet.

Slinging his pack over his shoulder, he looked around the room. Odd, how quickly this had become home to him, especially considering how little time actually he spent in his quarters on Atlantis. But he found his pictures and knickknacks comforting, the bed wasn't too bad, and that reminded him to stuff his favourite pillow under an arm. Might as well be comfortable.

He still couldn't believe he was doing this. What a monumental waste of time and talent, to send him off to Hejirah for who knew how long. "ZPM," he reminded himself en route to the transporter to take him to the jumper bay. "That's the only reason I'm guest-starring on Lifestyles of the Truly Alien." He shook his head. How many discoveries would go unmade because of this ridiculous adventure? "Wax on, wax fucking _off_ ," he concluded just as the transporter door opened. Colonel Sheppard stood next to the jumper, arms crossed, sunglasses hiding his eyes. "Wasting time, wasting time," Rodney pointed out irritably.

"All aboard," Sheppard said. "Next stop Hejirah."

* * *

"So this is where you'll spend the nights?" John looked around the little room. "Very Spartan."

"Very Hejiran," Rodney corrected, setting his pack and pillow on the low pallet. "It can't be worse for my back than sleeping on the ground. At least my allergies don't act up here." He took a deep breath, as if to prove his statement.

"How do you spend your days? Besides sweeping?"

"Pretty much sweeping, so far," Rodney admitted. He stood in the doorway and looked out at the grounds of the temple. "The asha trees shed year round. Defoliate. Whatever."

"I'll ask Dr. Sheperla," John said, looking over his shoulder. It was pretty here. The gold leaves lay scattered in patterns that looked almost deliberate. "When do I get to meet the Tso?"

"Let's find out."

John followed Rodney along a path that gently curved to the right, circling a cluster of leaning trees. They came to a dry fountain, and then a silent pool of water. A young man in the pale green robes of the order stood quietly by the pool.

"Ahim," Rodney said, and bowed deeply, remaining bent over. He looked at John and jerked his head, so John bowed, too. Then Ahim bowed, and Rodney straightened. "My friend would like to meet the Tso."

"No."

"Ah," John stepped forward. "I'm Rodney's team leader. His supervisor out in the field. I need to know the people he'll be staying with."

"I am one."

"Yes, I see. And I'm Colonel John Sheppard." He elbowed Rodney.

"Colonel, yes, and this is Ahim, one of the Tso's acolytes who's sort of been assigned to look after me while I'm studying."

"Well, I'm sort of Rodney's Tso, too," John said, "so I think the two Tso's should meet."

"That is not possible."

"Colonel, please." Rodney started to turn toward John, hesitated, then bowed again to Ahim, who stared coolly at him before nodding. "Look, Colonel, you are _not_ my Tso. You don't even know what the word means. And while I appreciate your concern, as you see, I'm fine here. If you want to spend eight hours a day flying -- what am I saying, _of course_ you want to spend eight hours a day flying. In that case, feel free to drop by each evening and check on me. But I think I've spent enough time here to know that I'll be fine."

"You will be beaten if you do not meet the Tso before the wind comes," Ahim said mildly.

"Beaten?" John started forward; he could feel his heart race.

"No, no, it's just a term, don't worry. Ha, that Ahim. Please, Ahim, I'll be there shortly. Just let me say goodbye to Colonel Sheppard."

"Rodney," John said, seizing Rodney's elbow and pulling him away from the serene Ahim. "What is going on?"

"I need to meet the Tso. The sooner I do this, the sooner I can return to Atlantis. Goodbye, Colonel. I appreciate your concern, but goodbye." Rodney shifted uneasily, then, surprising John, shook his hand. "Come back in a week. If I need help, I'll use the stargate. You know that."

"Rodney, I don't feel good about this --"

"It's all right, Colonel. I promise you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to start sweeping."

With that, he turned and followed Ahim. John felt helpless and foolish. Rodney was safe here; Teyla said so, Elizabeth said so, even Rodney said so, and Rodney would be the first to bail in an unsafe situation.

He watched until Rodney disappeared around the bend in the path, behind another row of the tall leaning trees, their gold leaves shivering in a gentle breeze that was just rising.

"Well, fuck," he said, and headed back to the jumper.

* * *

"You are late," the Tso said sternly.

"Yes, I had to say goodbye to Colonel Sheppard. My team leader," Rodney added. "I owe him that respect."

"What do you owe me, Doctor?"

"Attention," he said promptly; he was, after all, a very quick study. "Respect, too." After a pause, he added, "Deference."

The Tso nodded, and clapped his hands twice. Rodney wondered if today was the day he'd be beaten, and whether the Tso or Ahim would beat him. The switch he had cut lay on a low stone table in the center of the temple gardens; he could see it in his mind's eye, along with several vectors to exits he'd calculated the first time the Tso had threatened him.

He stood in front of the Tso for what seemed like hours but which he knew was only a minute or two. At last the Tso nodded. "Today we approach the de. Tell me the purpose of this approach."

"To, ah, to get in the right mindset. To remove oneself from the world. To leave behind cares and concerns and even delights."

"Very good, Doctor. As always, your memory is perfect. Your behaviour, not as perfect. The path needs cleaning. Go to the well and fetch a bucket of water. There is a brush; bring it as well."

Great. At least Colonel Sheppard never had him scrub the latrines.

* * *

John regretted leaving Rodney alone on Hejirah, but everyone else seemed unnaturally calm about it. Radek was a good replacement in the department meetings; certainly he was more of a people-person than Rodney, and John did enjoy watching Radek try not to stare at Elizabeth from behind his ever-present laptop. When asked to assist in the labs, he found them calmer, but still functioning. He asked Radek about Kavanagh, but Radek just pursed his mouth and made a very Czech-sound noise. "He is no problem really. Unpleasant, a little, but mostly Rodney needs a, ah, a wall to bounce off. That is the expression?"

"Yeah, that's the expression." John thought Radek had captured something important about Rodney, and that he, John, was also a wall for Rodney to bounce ideas off. "Goddammit," he said, and Radek looked up at him worriedly. "No, not you, sorry. Just thinking about Rodney."

"Yes, yes, he can drive one to blasphemy. But he is very good at what he does, so we forgive him."

Which was exactly why John didn't like trying to run Atlantis without Rodney. Too smart for his own good, but John believed Rodney was just smart enough for survival in the Pegasus galaxy. "Yeah," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. He nodded to Radek and wandered into the hallway. Logically, John should want to throttle Rodney, not miss him. "Goddammit," he said again, startling a young Marine heading in the opposite direction.

* * *

"You have too much tea in you," the Tso said, studying Rodney so closely that he started to squirm. "Therefore, today we sweep."

"I swept the last time I was here, and the time before that," Rodney said, accepting the rake-broom thing from Ahim, one of the Tso's acolytes.

"Yes, you did. But we have much to learn." Rodney followed the Tso as he walked into the garden. "Sweeping is not sweeping, as I've told you."

"Repeatedly."

"And yet you do not hear. If sweeping is not sweeping, Doctor, what is it?"

"It's finding beauty in disorder. It's finding order in chaos. It's finding oneself in the natural world."

"Your memory is excellent. Your comprehension is less so. Sweep." Ahim took the Tso's arm and helped him to a stone bench, then arranged the fall of his robes. Rodney's own robes never fell as gracefully as the Tso's, even with the help of an acolyte. He stood feeling awkward and stupid, something he loathed, then took a deep breath. The Tso asked, "If I beat you, will you sweep?"

"Not necessary," Rodney said quickly, and turned, then stopped. This wasn't about sweeping, he reminded himself. It was about finding beauty. He stood looking around him. Although much of Hejirah was as dry as the Sahara, and parts worse than the Atacama, small populations huddled in the few regions with aquifers, where they had built compounds full of greenery. Rodney had never been much interested in botany, but even he found it restful here.

The asha trees shed their leaves year-round, he had learned, which meant they were stupid trees to plant along a path, except that was the purpose -- their star-shaped gold leaves were pretty scattered over the dark and light grey of the stone paths. The first time he'd swept, he'd treated the leaves as he had when sweeping up autumn leaves as a boy: get every last one of them or fear the wrath of his father. But the Tso had looked sadly at him and told him a story about how tea was pressed into cakes. The next day, another layer of asha leaves covered the stones, and he'd been instructed to sweep again.

Behind him, the Tso coughed dryly, and Rodney thought about his threat to beat him. The Tso made the threat several times a day, and once had gone so far as to instruct Rodney to cut a switch with which to be beaten. He'd left early that day, stalking through the gardens and out the gate into the endless desert sands that piled up at the walls. There, he'd stood for a long time. Even if the Tso did beat him, he was too elderly to hurt Rodney, but he wasn't sure his pride would survive being beaten by an old man. Not anything he could share with Elizabeth or John; he could imagine how sympathetic they'd be.

He sighed. The things he found himself doing for Atlantis and a ZPM. He began to walk through the garden, studying the pattern of the leaves. At last, he began to sweep, but made no attempt to collect all the leaves. Beauty, he thought; this is finding beauty in disorder. Fractals, maybe. He paused and looked at the garden again. Fractals: extremely irregular shapes for which any suitably chosen part is similar in shape to a given larger or smaller part when magnified or reduced to the same size. The trees, the shrubs, the low-lying plants. The rocks themselves.

When someone touched him on his shoulder, he felt as if he were waking up. "The Tso is tired," Ahim said. "He asks that you break your fast with him."

Rodney felt a little guilty; he'd already eaten earlier this morning, despite the Tso's request that he eat only when instructed to. "Uh," was all he said, though, and followed Ahim to a little courtyard behind the smaller temple where the Tso preferred to spend his time.

* * *

Rodney had been right; John liked John Sheperla. "Call me the other John," he'd said when they met. "So, Air Force, right? I'm from Notre Dame myself, and we kicked your ass back in ninety-two."

"You played then?"

"Defensive line," he said proudly. "I weigh the same now, but it's no longer all muscle."

John nodded; the other John was a big guy all right. "Played in high school," John said almost apologetically.

"Rodney says you're a fan."

"Hell, yeah."

"Well, I've got DVDs of every Super Bowl, Rose Bowl, and --" he paused dramatically -- "a CD of the Colts-Giants 1958 game."

John stared at him. "I think I love you," he finally said, and the other John let out a booming laugh.

"Then I'm on the team?"

"Hell, yeah," John said again, a lot more emphatically. "Let's meet the others. Just don't try talking football with them. Or soccer, either."

Radek was right, too, John discovered. Dr. Sheperla was laconic only in comparison to Rodney. He had a lot to say about everything they saw off-world, and his enthusiasm compared favorably to Rodney's as well. "Look at this!" he would say dramatically, then drop to his hands and knees to peer at a tiny plant or an outcropping of stone. "Look at the quartz content of this sandstone!" John couldn't help but laugh at his excitement, so the other John swatted his boot. "Get down here and look, Colonel John. Tell me what you see."

John, Ronon, and Teyla would crouch around him and let him teach him basic geology. "See how it glitters? That's the quartz. And see this green? That's glauconite."

"Pretty," Ronon said.

"Pretty," John agreed. "Useful?"

"If we were going to build a city, yes. For trade? Not so much, I'm afraid." He stood, staring regretfully down at the glittering rock. "So, Teyla. Where we going?" His enthusiasm and loquacity made John miss Rodney more than ever.

Their off-world missions held nearly as much excitement with John Sheperla as they had with Rodney McKay, John reported back to Elizabeth. Sheperla was an outdoorsman and loved to camp; getting off Atlantis and into the hinterland was a delight, and he seemed to genuinely enjoy Ronon's and Teyla's company. He and John collected a crowd around them the evening they listened to the Colts-Giants game.

"I'm glad you decided to come to Atlantis," John told him one day while watching Teyla question villagers about an anomalous energy reading the other John had discovered.

"I was supposed to come in the first wave," John admitted. "But my mom was sick, and I just couldn't leave her."

"Is she all right?"

"No, no. She passed. I was glad I'd stayed so I could be with her. When the Daedalus finally made its run to Atlantis, I was happy Daniel hadn't forgotten me. He's always looking out for us outcasts."

"Outcasts?"

"Yeah. You know his story, right? Well, he keeps track of the wackos, like me. I had a really unpopular theory about how the granite used in the interior chambers of the pyramids had been shaped. Got laughed at in a few academic conferences. Daniel, he understands that, so one day I got a call."

"Everyone seems to like Dr. Jackson," John said neutrally.

"Oh, yeah. He's a good man. Such a life he's led. And now here I am, living in another galaxy. Pretty cool."

"Pretty cool," John agreed with a smile.

* * *

"You've had me sweeping leaves for how long? And now you want me to sprinkle leaves on the path I just swept them up from?"

"Doctor, tell me the purpose of this path."

"To move from the sordid into beauty."

"Think."

"About?"

"Then walk. Go, go, back to the well, then walk slowly to me. Think. Be fully present in the moment. When you walk, just walk."

"No multitasking."

"When I was a young man, I studied with the Tso of another community. I wanted to serve in the temple all my life, ever since I was a little boy. So I worked very hard and wanted only to please my Tso. I did not argue, nor did I disagree."

"Unlike me."

"One day, while I was scrubbing the lintel of the de, my master poured a bucket of water over me, and then threw a pine cone at me."

"And you thanked him?"

"No, I cried. I sat on the lintel and wept. When I was through crying, I begged him to tell me how I had displeased him. He assured me I had not, that I was the best pupil he'd ever had."

Rodney stared at the Tso. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear this story. "Are you going to pour water on me? Or just beat me?"

"Doctor, you are not a little boy. You are a grown man, and a knowledgeable one. You have willingly taken on this task, have you not?" Rodney started to say, "No, are you kidding me?" but finally closed his mouth without responding. "I say again: Go back to the well and then walk slowly to me. Be fully in the moment."

Rodney managed to refrain from rolling his eyes, but he did go back to the well. He found himself striding to it, then slowed down. When he reached the well, he rested his hands on the stones and tried to breathe. That was big with the Tso: breathing. He hadn't been asked to meditate or sit in any odd positions yet, though he wouldn't be surprised if that happened, but they did pester him to keep breathing. When he felt the muscles of his shoulders start to relax, he turned back and very slowly walked toward the Tso. Be in the moment, he thought. What did that mean, anyway? Was there a moment? Which _now_ was he supposed to be in; weren't there an infinite number?

He stopped. Focus, he whispered to himself. That's what Elizabeth and the colonel told him: Focus, Rodney. He missed their voices. He missed teasing the colonel, and he missed being teased by him. He sighed heavily, and then settled himself. He took a step and heard the crunch of the stones beneath his boots. Another, quieter step, but still the crunch and roll of the stones. He stepped onto a puddle of asha leaves; they made their own slipping noise.

He was a bit surprised when he reached the Tso. As if greeting him for the first time that morning, Rodney bowed deeply and waited until the Tso lightly tapped his head. "Where are you, Doctor?"

"Here," he said, and found himself smiling.

The Tso nodded approvingly. "I believe you are," he said. "Have you been here before?"

"Never."

To Rodney's surprise, the Tso slowly rose, Ahim helping him, and then bowed to Rodney, who bowed even lower. "My child," the Tso said. "Go behind the temple, past the long water walk. There you will find a stand of silver evergreens. Bring me an armful of their needles."

Rodney nodded, bowed again, and silently walked away, moving very slowly and carefully, listening to his footsteps. He discovered he was walking in rhythm with his pulse. He didn't think he'd ever heard his heartbeat before, not like this, so calm and sure and present.

* * *

John strolled; that was the only word that fit, he thought. He and the other John were strolling across an intensely green field while Teyla finalized the exchange of goods and services for seed stock deal for the Athosians. Ronon was with her; he could see them, tiny figures on the horizon, on the circumference of the marketplace at the base of low hills.

John the geologist was excited about the karst topography, and was talking as quickly as Rodney, explaining something about limestone. John was only half listening; he was thinking about Rodney. He was scheduled to see Rodney the next day, for their weekly check-in via stargate. He wished he could fly to Hejirah and spend some time with him. Seeing Rodney for only fifteen or twenty minutes a week, and those minutes shared with Elizabeth, Carson, and Kate, wasn't the same as spending hours a day in his company.

In fact, John had never before noticed how much time he spent with Rodney. They often ate together, worked together in the labs, spent too many hours at staff meetings, and of course shared off-world missions at least twice a week.

John Sheperla was a great substitute, but he was still a substitute. John knew that he and Sheperla would remain friends, even after Rodney returned to the team. They hadn't begun to wear out the CD of the Colts-Giants game. Just because Rodney would soon be back didn't mean he wouldn't be able to spend time with the other John. But Sheperla would never match Rodney's energy or irritability and, to John's surprise, he missed those qualities.

"It's a kind of saxifrage," he thought he heard John start to say, but when he didn't finish, he said, "Yeah? What's saxifrage?" when there was a sudden rushing noise, like water, like rocks grinding together, like sand pouring out of an enormous hourglass, and the earth crumpled into itself. John felt jerked around in a half circle, flailing to catch his balance; as he was spun around, he met the geologist's eyes the instant he disappeared down, falling or flying right into the earth.

John flattened himself onto the trembling ground. He tried to crawl forward, to peer down for Sheperla, but the earth began to give way, slowly but steadily sinking, and he scrambled backwards, watching in horror as the earth continued to slide down, turning dark, the grass rotating and disappearing into sod and rock. He was reminded of the chocolate cake his mother had baked him for his tenth birthday; it had come out of the oven beautifully rounded but had quickly collapsed into itself. He remembered comforting his mother, telling her it just made room for more frosting. But watching the earth collapse in on itself, the ground rising behind him as if trying to push him into an early grave, sent him crab-walking backwards, trying to escape. The green field was sodden beneath him, and he was soaking wet with water and sweat by the time he'd crawled back to dry and, he hoped, stable ground. He stood, shaken, staring at the empty place where John Sheperla had been.

"Get back," he heard Teyla cry, and he turned and ran toward her. The entire marketplace was swarming with activity, people screaming in fear, mothers seizing their children and running away, men grabbing their wares and backing away from him.

"John," he gasped when he reached the remains of his team. "He's down there, I saw --"

"I know, I know," Teyla said, sounding annoyingly calm. "But it is too dangerous for us to attempt a rescue."

"Yeah, of course." He rubbed his face. "Atlantis. Get a team out here, find John, we need Carson, and, shit." He started to jog toward the stargate, but Teyla grabbed at him.

"Colonel. Sit here. Ronon will return to the stargate. Hurry, Ronon." He took off obediently, and John watched him go, feeling oddly removed from the excitement swirling around him.

After a moment, John said, "I was right there, Teyla."

"I know."

"He was too far away to grab."

"I know."

"I saw him, you know. I mean, we looked at each other. Jesus." He couldn't bear sitting quietly, he jumped up and began pacing, keeping an eye on Ronon as he disappeared across the horizon. What if the stargate had been there? They'd be marooned on this planet, unable to return to Atlantis. He exhaled noisily, then accepted a blanket one of the tradeswomen wrapped around him. "Thanks, thank you," he said, and went back to pacing. He kept seeing John disappear into the earth, looking calmly at him in that last second.

Very quickly, a jumper hovered nearby and landed. Out of it came Ronon, Elizabeth, Carson, Lorne, and two others. "John, are you all right?" Elizabeth called as he and Teyla hurried toward them.

"Yeah, I'm fine, but John Sheperla -- We were walking, and the ground just collapsed."

"Sinkhole," a woman he didn't recognize said. "Perfect environment for them. This is all limestone. See the gleam? That's water in a depression. Karst."

"That's what John was saying," John interrupted. "That this was all karst."

She nodded. "He's a good geologist," she said, and then stopped and looked away. "A good guy."

"How do we get down there?" Lorne asked her.

She slowly shook her head. "I'm not sure it's safe, Major. This whole area could crumble. The limestone beneath us has been eaten away by water. They were probably standing on a thin crust, and Doctor Sheperla's weight broke through. To send more people out there . . . " She shook her head again.

"Then I'll fly the jumper down. Lt. Miller, you're with me. Dr. Yannis, I'd appreciate it if you'd come, too."

"I'll come with you as well," Carson said. "Just give me a minute with the colonel."

Lorne looked at John, his face softening. "Of course."

John focused on Carson. "For God's sake, Carson. I'm all right. I'm not hyperventilating or getting hysterical. And I'm going," John said to Lorne.

"It would never occur to me that you'd be hysterical," Carson said. "But I want you to sit here and drink this bottle of water. All of it."

"I'm going with you," John repeated. "I fly better than Major Lorne."

"Stay with us, John," Elizabeth said, touching his elbow. "You need to make a report; this would be a good time."

"Don't coddle me, Elizabeth," he said sharply.

"That's enough," Carson said, and stood. "We'll be back shortly. If Major Lorne has any trouble with the jumper, we will ask for your help."

John nodded. He should be going, but arguing seemed like too much trouble. Instead, he sat quietly with Elizabeth and Teyla, while Ronon stood right behind him, so close his knees bumped into John's back.

He had been thinking about Rodney, John remembered. Half wishing it were Rodney with him, walking on the green grass in the sunlight, listening to him piss and moan about something -- there was always something for Rodney to piss and moan about. What if it had been Rodney? Just gone like that. Forever. In John's life for a couple of turbulent years, and then suddenly gone. John shook his head at the thought.

It could have been him, too. If he'd been nearer to John, it would have been him. He remembered John's eyes just before he disappeared. He hadn't looked frightened, just intensely surprised, and interested. Well, yes. He would find the process interesting. Rodney would have, too, though he probably would have yelled more.

The sun was warm, and the air smelled sweetly of the grass that had disappeared with John Sheperla. Something about saxifrage, John remembered; he'd been talking about saxifrage, whatever that was. He'd have to ask Dr. Yannis; she might know.

He wasn't sure how long they sat there, quiet in the sun, before the jumper landed nearby. Dr. Yannis and Lt. Miller came out; Dr. Yannis was crying. "I'm sorry, Colonel, Dr. Weir," Lt. Miller said, standing at attention. "Dr. Sheperla didn't make it."

"His neck was broken," Dr. Yannis whispered, wiping her eyes. "We could see that as soon as we got near. Dr. Beckett's with him."

Elizabeth stood up, and rested her hand on John's shoulder. "Let's go home," she said. Ronon helped John up, looking down at him with a frown on his face, and Teyla took his weapon so he walked unarmed back to the jumper. He hesitated before climbing the ramp, but Carson and Lorne had put John in the back and covered him with an opened sleeping bag. "Sit down, lad," Carson said to him, leading him to a seat.

"I'm fine," he protested, but he let Lorne fly the jumper back to Atlantis, noting what a smooth ride he was able to get out of her.

"I'm fine," he said again when they were back in Atlantis.

"I know you are," Elizabeth said. "But I'm not."

He looked around. Teyla and Ronon looked almost as shocked as he felt, and the entire control room was unusually subdued. John Sheperla had a lot of friends, he realized, especially for someone who had so recently arrived. "Rodney," he said suddenly. "Someone needs to tell Rodney."

"We'll bring him back. Major Lorne will fly to Hejirah tomorrow."

"I should go. No, Elizabeth. Let me go. This is my job."

She studied his face, and he saw that her eyes were red, too. At last she nodded. "I think you're right," she said softly. "Now I need to meet with the science team. I'd like you to stay with Ronon and Teyla. Do you think you could eat?" He shook his head. "Then tea. Teyla?"

"It is my honor," Teyla said. "Colonel, Ronon, will you not join me in my quarters?"

John nodded and followed her, Ronon at his heels.

* * *

"At last," Rodney said, kneeling beside the Tso. "So there actually is tea in this tea ceremony."

"You have too much tea in you, Doctor; I have told you that before. There was no need for tea before now."

"What does that mean, anyway, too much tea in me? I drink coffee when I can get it, not tea."

The Tso smiled at him, his eyes nearly disappearing in a web of wrinkles. "To have too much emotion on display. To be too free with your energy. To be wasteful."

Rodney nodded. He was a bit full of tea at times, he had to admit, though he thought his time in Atlantis was helping. And John Sheppard, of course. No one could take the tea out of Rodney faster than John Sheppard.

"This is the tea," the Tso said, lifting a delicate cloth. The tea didn't look anything like any tea that Rodney had ever seen. "It is pressed, with a design that can mean many things. Each of us has his own design. This is yours."

"Does it have a meaning? The design?"

"Yes."

"Well, may I know the meaning?"

"In time," the Tso said, replacing the cloth. "We have other work to do. First, you must learn to make water."

Rodney began to laugh, until he realized the Tso was looking disapprovingly at him. He knew that Ahim was just waiting to be told to fetch that switch, so he quieted down. "Sorry," he said. "Just, that has a, uh, an unintentionally humourous meaning."

"I doubt you will find this humourous," the Tso said. "First, you must go to the well."

"Somehow I knew I'd be back at that well," Rodney said, but quickly shut up and started paying attention to the instructions.

He'd boiled the water twice when Ahim disturbed them. "I am sorry, master, but there is another man here. He says it is urgent to speak with Dr. McKay."

Rodney rose. "Another man? Who? Where? I'm sorry, but I have to go. Something must have happened in Atlantis."

"We will continue tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next," the Tso said. Rodney bowed as low as he could, and then hurried after Ahim.

"Colonel," he called when he saw who it was. Sheppard turned, and Rodney knew that something was very wrong. "Who?"

"I'm sorry, Rodney," Sheppard said stiffly. "John Sheperla had an accident."

"Dead?"

"Instantly."

"Fuck."

"Yeah. I, uh, I came to take you home for a while. I think your department needs you, and Elizabeth would like to see you."

"Of course, of course. I'll just -- no, no. I'll leave my things. I'll be coming back." He followed Sheppard, full of questions but somehow knowing not to ask them. Not just now.

Atlantis was a mess. Sheperla had been popular; hell, even Rodney had liked him. In the short time he'd been there, he'd made a lot of friends, and he knew lots of the new people because he'd worked at the SGC for so long.

Rodney knew that he sucked at comforting people, but he did the best he could, letting some of them cry for a while before shooing them out of the labs. He spent hours with Radek, catching up but also comforting him. "A nice guy," Radek told him over one of many tiny glasses of Becherovka late Rodney's second night back in Atlantis. "Fig and bunny."

"I think you mean bug and finny," Rodney said, draining his glass. The drink was foul but powerful; no wonder Radek could stand up to Rodney.

"No, I mean big and funny," Radek said, and rubbed his eyes, pushing his glasses up. "The colonel liked him, too. They watched American football and shouted a lot. Almost as noisy as you and the colonel."

"I'm not noisy," Rodney said, but his heart wasn't in it. All he'd ever done was make fun of American football. Sheppard had lost a teammate, and maybe a friend. Rodney felt a knot form in his stomach at how easily he had been replaced. It was stupid, really; he should have been pleased that John had found someone else to rely on, but it still felt like someone rubbing his fur the wrong way. Taking another mouthful of liqueur he swallowed the bitter feeling down; now was not the time to be nursing petty jealousies.

He tried to track down Sheppard, but he was busy, everyone was suddenly busy, and then, on the fourth day after John Sheperla died, they held a memorial service. As Sheperla's supervisor, Rodney was supposed to speak, but when he looked out at the faces, many tear-stained, he thought of his Tso. He'd rather be beaten with that switch waiting for him on Hejirah than speaking at John Sheperla's memorial service. He took a deep breath and tried to be in the now, in _this_ now, and not in some future now on Hejirah or back on Earth. "I recently read," he said quietly, looking at the floor just in front of him, "that some geologist once said that the topography of heaven is karst. I don't know what that means, but I hope it's true. John Sheperla was a fine scientist. He was hard-working, he had a big laugh, and he loved his work. So maybe karst is heaven for geologists." He stopped abruptly. What the fuck was he saying?

He took another deep breath and pictured himself walking, crunching over the stones in the temple garden, trying not to slip on the leaves. "I'll miss him," he said, surprising himself. "As most of us will. I'm going to try to take comfort in the fact that he was doing something he loved when he died, and that it was sudden, a sudden fall into the topography of heaven."

Elizabeth spoke for a while, talking about friendships formed in adversity, but Rodney didn't pay much attention. He was trying to remember all the times he'd spoken with Sheperla, and realized that it had been very few. He felt a little ashamed of that.

Finally, Colonel Sheppard spoke. He was pale but calm, sad but not grief-stricken, as far as Rodney could tell. "John and I were just getting to be friends," he said. "Rodney's right; he loved his work. He was a happy man doing what he'd studied to do in a place he loved being. He was a good team-player, and a generous man. He left instructions that he wanted to remain in the Pegasus Galaxy if anything happened to him. The Athosians have agreed to let us bury him on the mainland. I think he'll be happy there. As happy as he can be now."

Well, that was brusque, Rodney thought, but Dr. Yannis was crying again, and so was little Miko, and even Radek looked distressed, so he turned his attention to them, making a mental note to talk to Sheppard soon.

The next day, Major Lorne flew him back to Hejirah.

* * *

After John Sheperla's memorial service and then his burial on the mainland, John didn't see Rodney again for two weeks. Lorne flew Rodney back, and during the next week's check-in John was stuck in the labs trying to turn off something that had started glowing but producing only very low levels of heat. Radek finally decided it was some kind of incubation device, which Carson promptly took to _his_ lab.

By the next check-in time, John was feeling more like himself. They hadn't tried to reconstitute the team again; instead, only he, Ronon, and Teyla went off-world, though occasionally Major Lorne flew with them. Rodney looked good at check-in, calm and healthy. Clearly, temple life agreed with him, and John filed that information away to tease him with when their lives returned to what passed for normal in Atlantis.

Two more weekly check-ins, and then Rodney was stammering shyly into the camera on the MALP they'd left on Hejirah, inviting them to the tea ceremony he'd been training for all this time. "No more than five guests," he said earnestly; John decided that he also needed to remember to tease Rodney mercilessly about the seriousness of tea. "So I was thinking Elizabeth, John, Ronon, Teyla, and then maybe Carson, if he could get away. If not, then Radek. But it doesn't have to be five, so if everybody is busy, just Elizabeth. You need to be here," he said, and Elizabeth nodded.

"All of us will come, Rodney. Just tell us when."

"Oh, yes, of course. Three days from now, in the afternoon, which is actually about three in the morning your time, I'm sorry about that; you know there's an eleven hour difference between us."

"It's fine, Rodney. Formal dress, I assume?"

He looked surprised. "Ah, that would be nice. Yes."

"Until then." She turned to look at John and Carson. "Gentlemen? Would you like to see the tea ceremony?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," John assured her, and Carson smiled.

Three days later, in the middle of the night, John flew them to Hejirah. It was, as Rodney had pointed out, early afternoon there, the sun still high and very hot. The wind had come up, which from Rodney's reports John knew it did almost every afternoon, and he was unpleasantly reminded of Afghanistan.

He was reminded of Afghanistan only until they stepped through the gates into the temple grounds. Two young men and a young woman waited for them, bowing. "The Tso would like to speak with you first," one of the men said, and they followed him to a little stone building, open on two sides with two enormous windows cut into the walls on the opposite sides.

Elizabeth bowed, and John followed. The Tso remained seated, but nodded his head. "Doctor McKay is preparing the ceremony," he said. "I will tell you what to expect.

"First, we will follow this path to the de, the tea house. He has prepared the path for you, to help you leave the sordid behind and to enter into beauty. Halfway to the de, you will leave any weapons leaning against a stone bench, symbol of your trust in Doctor McKay. From that point on, you will not speak.

"In the de, we will wait for him. Please do not distract him from his responsibilities. He has worked hard at this task. He is a man of great pride with little tolerance for failure, in himself or in others. I ask that you respect our ways, as well as your friend's hard work."

With the help of two of the acolytes, the Tso rose. Elizabeth bowed again, and they followed him.

The Tso walked very slowly, so John had time to look around him. He knew that outside the walls it was dangerously hot and dry, but in here, the air smelled sweet and green. The sound of running water made a pleasant counterpoint to the rustling of the leaves above their heads.

He noticed the path they were walking on was covered in patterns of gold leaves; someone, presumably Rodney, had arranged each leaf. John realized the patterns were repeated, some larger, some smaller, but all the same shape. He smiled to himself.

As the Tso had told them, they came to a stone bench where they paused. John set down his P-90, and his pistol, and two knives. Ronan had quite a collection of knives leaning against the bench when he finally straightened up, but Teyla left only her gun and one knife. The Tso looked at each of them carefully when they'd finished. John thought that the intensity of the Tso's gaze lingered on him longer than the others. At last, he led them on.

The temple grounds were large and the Tso walked very slowly. They passed a dry fountain, and then a splashing one, and then John saw what must be the de at the end of the path. The door was less than waist high, but the Tso, helped by the younger ones, knelt and then crawled through it. Elizabeth followed and, after an awkward pause, John did, too. He could hear Carson behind him.

The interior was starkly beautiful. On a wood-poor world, they had found or grown enough to line the walls with pale smooth paneling that looked freshly scrubbed. There were five cushions carefully arranged in front of a low stone bench on which a brazier glowed. They settled, looking around them, John smiling at Elizabeth who put her finger to her lips to remind him to be quiet. He nodded.

They sat for several minutes before Rodney came in, crawling as they had. He was wearing the same pale green robes as the acolytes; his face was solemn, and a little sad. John wondered what he was thinking.

He did not speak to them, or even look at them. He bowed to the Tso, and then to each of them, but never raised his eyes from the floor. Without turning his back to them, he knelt behind the stone bench and began to watch the heavy kettle on the brazier.

The only sounds were the small hiss of the kettle, the crackle of twigs in the brazier, and his own breath, John realized. Rodney sat perfectly still, as if he'd trained for years to kneel like that.

Suddenly, there was a clear singing noise; John realized it was the water beginning to boil. Rodney didn't take the kettle off the fire, though. Instead, he lifted up a small plate covered with a light beige cloth. He set it gently onto the bench and removed the cloth. Still holding the cloth, he used it to pick up something that looked like an oversized hockey puck and place it in a shallow bowl. Then he set the bowl at an angle, so John and the others could see inside.

John found himself watching curiously. Rodney's focus was so complete that he felt drawn into it, almost hypnotized by Rodney's movements. Looking at Rodney's face was like seeing someone else.

The song of the kettle changed slightly; using the cloth as protection, Rodney picked it up and very carefully, very slowly, began to pour the steaming water over whatever was in the bowl. John leaned forward, watching closely; he realized that the hockey puck must be the tea. It sizzled briefly when the water first touched it, but then it began to absorb the water, and then slowly crumble, collapsing into itself, sinking in the center where Rodney poured the water so carefully. Creating, John realized, a tiny sinkhole.

He made a noise, he knew, when he fled, turning to crawl frantically through the passageway, wanting only to be outside in the fresh air, except the smell reminded him of the grassy field that had crumpled like the tea, taking John Sheperla to his death. Outside the de, he looked up, into the treetops swaying in the hot dry wind that he couldn't feel inside the temple walls, and then he quickly walked to the bench where they'd left their weapons. He'd wait there for them.

He sat with his back to the de, a little ashamed of himself. He was a fucking lieutenant colonel in the US Air Force, for Christ's sake. He'd lost many men, some of them friends, some of them good friends. He'd killed many men, too. Death was a constant companion to him.

"You are John?" he heard, and turned to find the elderly Tso behind him.

"Yes, sir," he said, and rose, helping the Tso to sit.

"Thank you. I am not as spry as you are anymore. This comes to us all, I am told, but I still am resentful."

John nodded, unsure what to say, until he remembered what he'd done. "I'm sorry I fu- I'm sorry if I disrupted Rodney's ceremony."

"Ah. Yes. In fact, you did not. Doctor McKay possesses great focus. If he noticed you leaving, he was not disturbed. The ceremony continues."

John wasn't sure whether he was relieved or pissed that McKay didn't care. Or notice. Maybe he'd been hypnotized by the fire, the way John had been. "Good," he finally said. "I'm glad."

"You are not well?"

"No, I'm fine. Just, you know. Claustrophobic."

"Ah."

They sat in silence for a while. John couldn't hear the fountain anymore, just the rattle of the leaves, and his own breath. After a while, he started to feel embarrassed by the silence. "This ceremony," he said. "What is it for? I've never really understood."

"No? You should ask Doctor McKay. He was also slow to learn."

"You didn't really beat him, did you?"

The Tso smiled at John. "Would you object if I had?"

"Uh, well, yes, actually."

"Then it is well I did not. He is a good pupil."

Thinking about teaching Rodney to fly, John smiled. "Once he shuts up."

"As you say."

They sat quietly again, but this time John didn't feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. He felt as though he and the Tso could sit here for a long time and it would be only quiet. It wasn't out of a need to speak that he eventually asked, "Did Rodney tell you that a friend of ours died?"

"Yes. He was upset that he didn't know the man better."

"Yeah. Me, too. I was just starting to get to know him. He was a good guy."

"May I ask how this man died?"

John looked away, remembering the cake of tea crumbling under the stream of water. "We were on another world, one not far from Atlantis. Really, just killing time, waiting for Teyla to finish up so we could carry the seed back to the jumper. That's the vehicle we use to fly through the stargate. One minute he was there, and then --" To John's utter humiliation, his voice broke.

When he could speak again, he said, "The earth just collapsed under him. That's a helluva thing, when you can't trust the ground you walk on. And I was right there, right there. I almost went in myself. What's worse, it could have been Rodney. It would have been if he hadn't been here with you." He finally looked at the Tso. "You kinda saved Rodney's life."

The Tso nodded. "You would miss Dr. McKay."

"Yeah. You taught me that, too. Guess you're a good teacher."

The Tso didn't answer; he just looked at John, calm and peaceful. Serene, John thought the word for him was. He felt tears fill his eyes, and he swallowed hard. He'd been keeping busy ever since the other John had died; sitting quietly like this made him feel like the water in the kettle in the de, and that reminded him of the crumbling cake of tea.

"What's really bad?" he whispered to the Tso, dropping his eyes and leaning forward. "What's the worst? Is that my job, my sole and only responsibility, was to protect John. I had no other reason to be there. That was all I had to do, and I didn't do it." John's voice faded before he could complete the sentence. He was embarrassed again, and quickly wiped his eyes, sniffing hard.

"You're thinking that you fucked up," the Tso said. John looked up in amazement at his language. "That is an understandable thought. Quite untrue, of course, but understandable." John shrugged. This sitting quietly was for the birds. He wished he were flying, or surfing, or killing Wraith. Now that would make him feel better.

They sat for a long time, neither speaking again, until the others returned. "John, lad, are you all right?" Carson asked, hurrying up to him.

"I'm fine. Sorry, Elizabeth. I did try."

"It's all right, John. Rodney did a wonderful job. Ahim says he'll join us in a few minutes, and then we can all go home."

"Is that right?" John looked at the Tso. "It's okay, even though I left?"

"The negotiations are concluded," the Tso said.

"Rodney," Teyla said, with something like relief in her voice, and they turned to watch him walk toward them. He was wearing his uniform again, carrying his pack. Behind him, Ahim walked carrying a long switch.

Rodney smiled shyly at Teyla, and then set down his pack and bowed deeply to the Tso, who gently touched his head. When Rodney stood back up, they smiled at each other. "You are always welcome here," the Tso said, and took the switch from Ahim. "I will treasure this."

Rodney's smile grew. He took a deep breath, and looked at them all, each one, straight in the eye, finally at John. "Let's go home," he said to John.

* * *

"So what's the switch for?" John asked him that evening when they'd wandered onto one of Atlantis' many balconies to admire the sunset.

"Hm? Oh, on Hejirah? I'm not sure. They kept threatening to beat me, but they never did. I finally realized they never would. I think we just beat up ourselves. Maybe the switch is to symbolize it. Externalize it. Something." He smiled at John. "Ask Kate."

"You're different," John said impulsively, regretting it instantly.

"Well, I would be. All those weeks away. I didn't take a vow of silence, but there wasn't anybody but the Tso or Ahim to talk with, and mostly they didn't. They just told me to go here, do that, and then to do it again and again. Go to the well. I heard that a lot."

"Is that a metaphor, too?"

"No. Well. Maybe. But it's literal, too. I spent a lot of time hauling water out of that fucking well."

"Did you good."

"Fuck you," They smiled at each other. "At least we got the ZPM. That's worth almost anything."

"Listen," John said. "I'm really sorry about leaving the tea ceremony. I'm glad it didn't fuck things up for you, but I've been wanting to apologize."

Rodney waved his hand. "Don't worry about it. I was in this weird trance state, so I kind of knew you left, but I also knew I had to do everything perfectly. And I knew I would talk to you later. Also, I saw the Tso leave and I knew he'd take care of you."

"Well, good. I just. Anyway."

"Was it about John? Sheperla?"

"Yeah, in a way. I talked to the Tso a little. I think he thought it was mostly me."

"Well, it would be. No, that's not an insult. It's just we can't really know anybody else. We can only observe, and even then, it's . . ." Rodney's voice trailed off.

John looked at Rodney's face; even in the thin light of the evening, he knew it so well that he knew Rodney was looking thoughtful, and unusually at peace with himself. "I envy you," he said. "Your experience there."

Rodney met his eyes. "It would be good for you, I think. A Pegasus Galaxy kind of vacation." His mouth twisted into a sad smile. "I, ah, I missed you, being away so long. Not sure I. Well. I missed you. Anyway," he added briskly, "we can't really spare you."

"We didn't think we could spare _you_."

Rodney shrugged. "You managed. Radek's adequate." At a noise from John, Rodney added, "More than adequate. We've reorganized the science departments a bit, based on his experience while in charge. It's better now." Rodney tipped his face up, studying the scrim of clouds glowing pink above them. "If you like," he said slowly, "but only if you like, we could go back to Hejirah. I could do the tea ceremony for you."

"Just for me? Why would you do that?"

"Stupid idea." He smiled crookedly at John.

"No, it's not. Not stupid at all." He felt touched by Rodney's offer. "As long as you don't beat me with that switch, yeah. I really meant it when I said I was sorry. It was -- impressive. Seeing you, like that. Doing that stuff so well." The moment felt too heavy, so John added, "Competence is always sexy."

"Sexy?" Rodney's mouth curled in a lopsided smile. "Major, I'm pretty sure that's called a Freudian slip."

John felt greatly daring, standing with Rodney in the light of stars few other humans had seen. "As much a Freudian slip as you calling me 'major.'"

"So?"

"So yeah. I'll come back with you." He looked out over the sea, where the sun was just about to sink below the horizon. Narrowing his eyes, he waited for the flash of light from the sun as it sank, its light filtered for an instant through the ocean of Atlantis. "I'd like that."

Rodney leaned over the railings, looking, John knew, for the same light. He bumped shoulders with John, who gently bumped him back as they watched together. The strange world on which they lived slowly rotated away from its sun, and they watched as that equally alien sun settled nearer and nearer the horizon, leaving a gold-colored path trembling across the water.

"It could have been you," John said abruptly. His chest suddenly hurt, as if he'd been punched. "That's what I thought, when John --" He stopped abruptly, and looked at Rodney, who was staring at him. "Sorry. Just, you know. That's what I thought." He looked back toward the horizon, but he'd missed the moment; the sun had slid beneath the horizon leaving only a yellow haze to mark its passing.

After a long silence, Rodney said, less sharply than John expected, "It couldn't have been me. Because, as you should know, there's no way I would have been _strolling_ around that place. Have you ever known me to do such a thing? Really, Colonel. Are you talking to Kate about this?"

John glared at Rodney, embarrassed and irritated. "Fine. My mistake."

"Not that I'm not touched by your concern. You'd miss me." He beamed at John.

"Not for long," John muttered. Rodney continued to smile benevolently at him but remained silent, apparently gathering his thoughts.

John was content to wait for him. Night was coming on, and a breeze had risen off the water, but it was pleasant to feel the cool brush of the air against his skin. He leaned against the balcony railing and felt his anger leaving him. "The Tso taught me something," Rodney finally said. "But I don't know how to articulate it, which is incredibly frustrating. I think that was probably the point, by the way, and that's frustrating, too. But I want to tell you --" he sighed heavily. "First, it wasn't your fault, Colonel. I knew John, and he was always bounding around. Second, even if I'd been on that world with you, I wouldn't have been _there_. If I had died on that planet, it would have been in some other way."

"Oh, that's comforting."

"Shut up. What I'm trying to say is that, despite the fact that I know you already know these things, and that you knew them at the time, you still thought of me."

"I'm sorry I told you."

"I'm not. I'm really, really not." Rodney put his hand on John's upper arm, wrapping his fingers around him.

The breeze against John's face felt cooling, and he knew he was blushing. Rodney was too smart to admit shit to; he already knew that. He said, "John --"

"Dr. Sheperla was a good guy," Rodney interrupted him. "And I genuinely mourn his loss. I miss him, my whole staff misses him. But I'm still here, and you're still here. The Tso says that you can create another universe." He paused and suddenly his body language spoke to John of uncertainty. "It's not the best physics, but metaphorically I guess you could, if you, you know, wanted to. Want to."

"You talk too much, Rodney."

"So I've been told."

"I'm more a man of action myself."

"Really? I haven't seen much evidence of that tonight."

"Do you want evidence? Empirical evidence?"

"I am, as a matter of fact, very fond of empirical evidence."

"Can empirical evidence of a universe that exists in a realm beyond our senses exist?"

Rodney smiled at him. "I'm going to admit something to you that I will die before admitting to anyone else." John tilted his head forward to better hear Rodney's confession. "I just fell a little in love with you for saying that."

"For any particular outcome O, the probability of observing O before the evidence E is known equals the probability of observing O given the evidence E, after E was accounted for," John said softly, leaning closer to Rodney.

Rodney tightened his grip on John's arm and pulled him nearer. "I'm sorry Dr. Sheperla's gone," he whispered. "He was a friend. But when I found out what happened, my first thought was that it could have been you. And that would be true in any universe conjured by any means. John," he said, and John shivered at Rodney's breath against his face. "John. Oh, John."

The alien stars glittered above them, John saw just before he closed his eyes and kissed Rodney's willing mouth. This was the universe he could perceive: one in which John could kiss Rodney and Rodney would hold him tightly against the night. "We're here," Rodney whispered, nuzzling John's ear. "In all universes everywhere, we're here right now. The Tso taught me that."

John just kissed him again.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> My dearest darling the [Empress Wu](http://empress-wu.livejournal.com) did an enormous amount of work on this story; bless her for making it so much better than it would have been. The [Princessofg](http://princessofg.livejournal.com) also helped, encouraging me and reading it several times even though she was swamped with grading. Mike checked for non-Canadianisms, and made valuable suggestions.  
> The ceremony Rodney learns to perform in this story is, obviously, based on the Japanese tea ceremony, the _cha-no-yu_. Most of the information I used about the tea ceremony came from [The Book of Tea, by Kakuzo Okakura](http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/tea.htm), heavily filtered through my imagination.
> 
> Information about sinkholes came from a number of sources, but most useful were <http://www.uwsp.edu/geo/faculty/ozsvath/Assignments/Sinkholes.htm> and <http://gorp.away.com/gorp/resource/us_national_park/ky/geo_mamm.htm>. "The topography of heaven is karst" is attributed to D. Williams and C. Drakos [here](http://www.answers.com/main/ntquery?method=4&dsid=2222&dekey=Karst+topography&gwp=8&curtab=2222_1&linktext=karst).
> 
> John's seductive equation comes from [here](http://www.dhushara.com/book/quantcos/anth/anth.htm), where I read about the anthropic principle, something that, though it doesn't appear in the story, I was also thinking about while writing.
> 
> * * *
> 
> _The Zen master Hakuin used to tell his students about an old woman who owned a tea shop in the village. She was skilled in the tea ceremony, Hakuin said, and her understanding of Zen was superb. Many students wondered about this and went to the village themselves to check her out. Whenever the old woman saw them coming, she could tell immediately whether they had come to experience the tea, or to probe her grasp of Zen. Those wanting tea she served graciously. For the others wanting to learn about her Zen knowledge, she hid until they approached her door and then attacked them with a fire poker. Only one out of ten managed to escape her beating._
> 
> From [Tea or Iron](http://www.rider.edu/~suler/zenstory/iron.html), found [here](http://www.rider.edu/~suler/zenstory/zenstory.html).
> 
> Special bonus author's note! [Relevant dinosaur comics](http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=255)


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